All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
