my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Still dying that you shit outside
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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