Don't you send me to vm
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I can text with my tongue
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
