wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize