I skipped work to stalk him.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
