so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
