Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
