I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
