Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
