was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
