I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
