So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
