i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
