Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
