Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
