Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
