Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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