I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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