You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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