So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize