Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
