the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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