I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
