just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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