you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
