Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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