I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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