im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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