and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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