i need an iv and a liver transplant
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
