The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
