If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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