There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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