Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
