According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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