the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
