My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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