Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
