She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
