She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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