why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
