I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Pants are for mortals
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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