Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
