I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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