i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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