i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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