Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Houston, we have a blender
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
