if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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