Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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