You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is Oprah even human
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
