I wish I could teleport
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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