the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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