Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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