i think my mom watched the whole time
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
