wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
