Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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