Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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