i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize