Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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