why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
